Camp Ralf

This report is dedicated to what was one of the most beautiful love stories ever on world wide television. Marty and Jess, good luck in your futures.

I am writing the first part of this report standing outside the court house where Ralf Schumacher has appealed his ten grid penalty for the smash he caused at the German GP. The case has finished and although details are sketchy word is filtering through that Ralf will now not be penalized any grid places for Hungary. I am also getting word through now that Frank Williams has agreed as compensation to give Bernie E a 15 minute lap dance?!? What the?!? Somebody is having a lend of me I think?!? I mean it just makes no sense. How would Frank get out of his wheel chair?!? (Princess when I send this back to the editing house can you delete those last few sentences if it is not true, thanks sweet heart).

Anybody who knows me well would attest to the fact I've always had a huge wrap on Fernando Alonso. In fact I was just saying the other day that he would win at least one of the last GP's. Without wanting to gloat too much history now shows I was right. It was a superb weekend for the ‘Madrid Madman’ taking pole position on Saturday and from there it was one way traffic. The race was highlighted by a bad smash by Rubens and an even worse accident in qualifying by F1's next big thing Ralf Firman. The race certainly was eventful and even the walking headline himself Kimi Räikkönen broke his vow of silence by quipping at the end of race presser "ding, dong, the witch is dead".

With the underSteer results for Hungary we saw DNF - Dead Near Fence, St Leonards and team cutting edge aka Paul all finish on the podium. evel knievel racing had a real mutha Yoonger of a round. On to the seasons tally and perennial mud-slingers Honey, I Shrunk The Kids and Sennamental Favourite continue their robust tussle for first and second place. For one it will end in tears. The other, 6 months of nirvana. Of course Mcwillari is right up there as well and is a big danger along with Mr Optimistic aka DNF - Dead Near Fence.

So I bid you all farewell for now as I am off to Sydney to watch Choc Mundine open a can of whoop ass on Antwun ‘Kid Dynamite’ Echolls. Good luck Choc. I love you.

NEWS FLASH: details just in suggest Channel Ten will be showing the Japanese GP on an 8 hour delay due to Bathurst commitments. This is a disgrace. I'm organizing a protest march for late September. We will start at, well I don't know, any suggestions? Ok then I'll decide – The Victory Hotel. From there we will be marching straight past PJ O'Briens right up to Mt Cootha. I have organised a meeting with Bill McDickhead. He assured me that he has serious clout with the big boys that make up Channel Ten Australia. Time will tell.

Good luck in Italy everybody.