No Poetic Justice
By: Scotty Beveridge
Event: Brazil
Date: 25 Oct 2004
It has been a Ferrari dominated year but the party stopped in Brazil with Juan Montoya taking Williams' first victory of the year. Ferrari could only muster 3rd from Rubinho and 7th from Michael. If we had Steve Quartermain aka Quarters here, I'm sure he would be only too happy to rattle off the Ferrari stats for you in a vain attempt to show his knowledge of the sport. But Quarters isn't here so we'll have to skip the stats and move on to the underSteer results before the awards get announced by our special guest live from Interlagos. After qualifying, DNF - Dead Near Fence closed the margin to bitter rival, The Schuminator, to just 2 points in the battle for 4th. In the end The Schuminator held on and in fact overtook St Leonards to take 3rd by just one point with DNF a further 4 points back. The round winner was A Toy Mon who has become the first punter to take back to back round wins. Second was taken by the in form Fearless Ferrari Racing (FFR) to make it 4 podiums in the final 6 races. Rounding out the podium was Sennamental Favourite. Coming into this round Juan for the Road had a chance of taking the title from Dead Sennas and I was one of the dreamers who thought it would happen, especially after Rubens got pole. Juan for the Road had Rubens first and Dead Sennas had Rubens second. It wasn't to be though and Juan for the Road had an absolute dud round scoring just 50 points, giving Dead Sennas a very Dead Sennas victory margin of 69 points. JftR has now joined the likes of Big Red and Honey, I Shrunk The Kids (now Yoong Talent Time) as punters that have lead for most of the season, but lost it at the end. So I must say congratulations to Dead Sennas for winning an F1 tipping contest with more than one person in it. Well done. more...
...nana, nah, na, nana, nah, na, nah, Oh the Final Countdown
By: Daryl Beattie
Event: Japan
Date: 20 Oct 2004
Home of Titami, the rare Japanese delicacy that is unpredictable and sensual is where we are for this race. In Japan. The movies tell me that food is sensual but I don't know if it's the same for bulimics or if it's sensual when it comes back up again. I think it is because first the food goes in and then comes back out and then again more food goes in and out. Maybe that's more sexual but I can't help that, I'm a top root and it surrounds me. Anyway the dish, Titami, known in the west as Niki Lauda is a person cooked at 200°C until they turn into pigfat. I hate eating pigfat head, it makes me throw up and I have to listen to him whinging about the qualifying system. I hate Japanese bike riders too. They make kamikaze moves and cost me points. They make me so mad that I want my drugs back but Billy and Thruster take them and that makes me angry too. more...
It's the Final Countdown nana, nah, na, nana, na, na, nah...
By: Daryl Beattie
Event: China
Date: 16 Oct 2004
I hope everybody appreciates the effort I've gone to for this report because I've counted the number of times me, Daryl Beattie, and Thruster as well as Billy when he shows up, how many times we said the word chamyinchip. That's two months research just for this report and that sounds good but who wants to bet that the result wasn't worth the effort.
The first race was the German round of the chamyinchip at Saxonring which is German for Gretal Killeen's. I was up against Billy and he said chamyinchip 34 times but I lost touch in the 125cc race and said chamyinchip 22 times but when I say chamyinchip its musical and worth Billy and Thruster saying chamyinchip three times. We also didn't say chamyinchip as much as I thought we would say chamyinchip. It's like Toyota at the start of the formula one chamyinchip. They were setting up to be competing with BAR and haven't they been a bucket of slop............ in the chamyinchip. more...
Trulli Mad Deeply (Kimi too)
By: Richie Benaud
Event: Italy
Date: 26 Sep 2004
Welcome back here to my thoughts on things formula one, and some may say that it's way back but that's not quite true. In fact, an old friend, Slasher McKay, used to race in formula one and I still know some people in the paddock. One of those is Ron Dennis. After ruining one Jack Brabham's chance at winning another championship the only job he could get was with Slasher, under Stan McCabe's tutorlidge as team principal. At first he didn't like it one bit at all. Slasher had the beer gut of Ascari but not the talent although he knew a thing or two about formaula one. He preceeded Cromley I guess. Slasher would often tell the young Ron, "Don't you kill me Dennis". Usually he would do this by having his face 2 inches (whatever that is in the new scale) from Ron's as he woke up in the morning. Slasher would often elaborate on this to everyone with "Let's not have my vital organs ceasing up as I sit in a pool of blood with my detached leg weighing down on the brake". Talking about Slasher's hypothetical death really brought the team together. It was a new way of thinking for Ron. He thought the whole idea was to see which team could rack up the most kills. Ferrari and Alfa Romeo were the leaders with Cooper making the mini to maximise their death count in formula one. He took this idea of topping your driver to McLaren as team principal. Along comes Ayrton, he's a modern thinker too and he agrees with Ron in principal. He still tried though. Ayrton joins Williams and he's dead before the end of the third race. What does this have to do with Kimi and Trulli? Well since Ayrton died they haven't been able to do it partly because of Ron and Flavio has been itching to kill Trulli. With Kimi, I thought there was going to be a link when I started this story but no there isn't. more...
The Fat Cadets are back
By: The Fat Cadets
Event: Belgium
Date: 9 Sep 2004
With the familiar tune of 'Pub With No Beer', I knew home was only a Slim Dusty song away. Yes boys and girls and dizzy, it is the one time of the year when the underSteer reporter barrel hits rock bottom - we are The Fat Cadets.
Since 110% Tony Squires got Leah McLeoded we have been busy trying to get a new gig. We hadn't had much luck so we decided to head off to Europe to rest and to also watch some variety shows over there and see if there are any more ideas we can rip off from their television shows. It was about one week into our trip when we got the call from underSteer. They were desperate for a reporter. Sules was too busy reading Mein Kampf, Scotty was busy stalking Georgie, and Gladious was busy trying to persuade Nigel and Guy Freemarijuana to have another tilt at a QLD senate seat. more...
The Bachelor Auction
By: Scotty Beveridge
Event: Hungary
Date: 23 Aug 2004
Since I am not allowed to set foot in Hungary because of my opinion on Zsolt Baumgartner, I am bringing you this underSteer report from the Treasury Casino Bachelor Auction. What's more I am one of the bachelors so it's bound to be a huge windfall for all the charities involved. The other bachelors are Ryan from Big Brother, Brad "the dude that stole my job" McEwan, Jason "win it in the mid-field" Akermanis, Alex Yoong, Maurice "The GOAT" Greene and a special double act: Father Titan and Son Titan from the Titan Shed ads. As I was telling Georgie when she came to the Casino for her Friday weather outside broadcast, I had a good shot to go for the highest amount because Ryan was wearing a shirt for the first time in 3 months, not many of the crowd had heard of Yoongy and as for the others... they're gits! more...
You can't spell German without thinking NAZI
By: Daryl Beattie
Event: Germany
Date: 9 Aug 2004
Well I've just gotten over my drug hangover in time for the German GP but I still think I'm under the spell of the white dragon because Sules has been installed as Megafuhrer and he's taken up Hitler's 1000 year reich because it's good to have a five year plan and how good is two hundred five year plans? His policies include punishing anybody that talks like Ryan from Big Brother which includes Schuey because he said about the Tour de France bike riders; "What they do, it's massive" but his grand plan is his final solution for Ralf Schumacher. Megafuhrer says he's weak in mind, body and spirit. He's having a sickie because if he works he could die. Well I have to interview Kim Jones when something goes wrong, I told Megafuhrer. It's the worst sickie excuse since Andrew Walker missed a Wallabies camp because his brain had exploded. Megafuhrer then started on Tazio Nuvolari and he said Tazio was the opposite to Ralf. Tazio found it hard getting in his car because he strapped his broken legs to his motorbike and he couldn't undo the straps or fit the bike in the car. One race his steering and brakes were not-so-gooda so he braked by sticking his tongue between the tyre and the ground and he would steer with his face against the tyre but it's tough to follow in the footsteps of the original playboy. more...
Dead Man Talking
By: Gladious Fermingo
Event: Great Britain
Date: 12 Jul 2004
Well this will be my last ever report. My days are numbered. I've just finished watching the Living Longer show on channel 7. After answering all the questions about my life style habits, light-weight hosts Mel and Kochy have just informed me (and anybody else who lives like me) that I will die at the age of 26. Quickly doing the sums that leaves me only weeks to live. At least I won't have to worry about doing my tax for this year.
Since this will now be my last report I should come clean on a few issues which I have raised during my three years reporting for underSteer. Firstly Big Red. I love ya style bro'. Always have. You've played the part of Betty to my Mr. Kelly with aplomb and you are to be commended. Anyway, best of luck for the rest of the season. You'll need it. more...
Howard Youth
By: Scotty Beveridge
Event: France
Date: 5 Jul 2004
Welcome to Ipswich. I've managed to hook up with The Friends of Alex Yoong and they've been looking after me ever since Jimmy and I escaped custody in Spain a week ago. I left Jimmy Jump at an internet café trying to buy tickets to the Euro 2004 soccer final. When he found out each ticket was 1000 Euro he outburst "I am Jimmy Jump. I am president of the Jimmy Jump fan club. This is all theatre; the real criminal is Juan for the Road. How can you defend this dog?" Being the impartial reporter that I am I cannot comment further on whether Juan for the Road is a dog or the sanity of JJ for that matter but what I can say is that Juan for the Road is showing some definite EatMyShorts / Big Red "tortoise" attributes. Juan for the Road has taken on the nickname Top Six around underSteer headquarters so we are issuing the Pepsi Big Red challenge to Juan for the Road to see if they have the guts to change their picks for the upcoming race.
The Friends of Alex Yoong tell me that Getaway is looking for a reporter to replace Darky. They have said they could get me a hefty sponsorship deal if I decide to switch from TTN to Getaway. I'm stuck in two minds about what to do. It's tough; you have to weigh up all the options. As BBQ says: " ...if you've got Naomi Campbell and Dannii Minogue lined up, you've got to make a choice. It's got to be the one with the best package... but still looks good when she gets a bit older." Indeed BBQ, I just hope you don't make the same mistake JV did. more...
Sex, Drugs & James Allen
By: Daryl Beattie
Event: USA
Date: 25 Jun 2004
...was Billy's dealer for getting through V8 Superstars and James chose his weapon of choice but I said "Super size me drugs Thruster and heap me drug trough with a cocktail of the stuff" and after we polished off half of it, we were at Guantanamo Bay askin' for an interview with Hicksie the al-Qaeda fighter and Mamdouh but they wouldn't let me and all I was gonna do was make them have sex with each other then we headed back to the phone carrying my drug trough onto the plane as hand luggage which was okay because a trough is too hard to hide inside James Allen's cavities because I tried it and he kept squelling "Rock 'n' Roll, Rock 'n' Roll, Rock 'n' Roll" more...
FREE DIZZY
By: Gladious Fermingo
Event: Canada
Date: 15 Jun 2004
When I was originally told by underSteer management that they wanted me to cover the Canadian GP I was going to turn them down. I personally despise what their country's president, George W Bush, is doing with the world and felt no great need to visit his country. Having said that my political stance was quickly forgotten when management told me I wouldn't be paid if I didn't "get my arse over there" and report on the race.
So here I am at the Montreal airport waiting for a taxi. I can't help notice these huge billboards at the airport of a familiar face. This bloke is flogging everything from Coke, to Sony PlayStation, to Nike shoes. I knew the face but couldn't think of his name. Anyway I quickly got over it as I jumped in the taxi. more...
HEIL HITLER, ICH BIN EIN BERLINER
By: Sules
Event: Europe
Date: 9 Jun 2004
Daryl was banned from this race after getting in a fight with a drunk who jumped a taxi line. So I agreed to fill in, just like Freddy, and it's a good time because I feel like dizzy when Boss Hogg has him bent over with a cricket stump in hand. About changing Ralf, Boss Hogg screamed "Rosco P. Coltrane" and stormed out of sight slowly. So who knows what's going on there? As well as that how come Sandy Roberts can't name a team after his naked meatballs but dizzy can use words which would describe the birds and the bees as a man and a woman who love each other very much but the man has an early start in the morning. more...
You've come a long way baby
By: Gladious Fermingo
Event: Monaco
Date: 24 May 2004
Tired and blurry eyed is what I am. What a weekend it was with the annual underSteer catch-up party at Monaco. Thanks for everybody who attended; you made it a very memorable night. Below are some pictures we took from the night. If anybody is upset about any pictures we took bad luck, I just checked the roster and Daryl is due to report next on the European GP and that means this report will probably be on the main page for at least 3-4 weeks.
On to the race and as you would come to expect there was plenty of action throughout the race in Monaco. There was a total of 10 DNF's. The main contributor was Takato "The Lisp" Sato who's engine went BOOM (or as Taky would say, "BOOMTH") at the beginning of the race. This not only ended the race of Sato, but also DC, and Fisichella. One of the few people who didn,t get affected by Sato's engine was Kimi. What accident, he said dead-pan. The race was won by Jarno Trulli and well done to him. more...
Go ahead and jump, JUMP!!
By: Scotty Beveridge
Event: Spain
Date: 12 May 2004
Welcome to Barcelona where I've been invited as the guest of honour to a private grand prix soiree. It all came about on the Wednesday before the race when I was immersing myself in Spanish culture at a quaint tapas bar and met an outgoing young chap by the name of Jimmy Jump. Jimmy runs extreme tours for international celebrities, likes listening to Van Halen and one day hopes to go to Hollywood and win an Oscar. I told Jimmy all about the Logies and how I dreamed of one day winning the Gold Logie and having it presented to me by Bert Newton. We were getting on like a house on fire and he invited me to be the guest of honour for his grand prix tour. He didn't give me many details but said he could get me closer to the action than I've ever been before. Being the naïve young reporter that I am, I agreed without hesitation. I thought it would be my one chance to get an interview with a big F1 personality like Peter Sauber or David Pitchforth. more...
Crossing Over and then back over again
By: Daryl Beattie
Event: San Marino
Date: 3 May 2004
I arrived to see Gladious and John Edwards having an awkward silence. John Edwards was staring at Gladious while Gladious was putting hair gel through his hair. I just wish it was on his head. So I stuck around to see if it would produce any answers to his death. After getting Ayrton's first answer I left for San Remo. It was there that I came across a greater tragedy, the song contest. It was here that I witnessed Chewythewookie celebrating having two ewok's with a win. It wasn't what they wanted on the main stage but chewy still placed third. more...
Crossing Over
By: Gladious Fermingo
Event: Bahrain
Date: 5 Apr 2004
Greetings underSteer punters. As I am sure you all know this year marks the ten year anniversary of the death of Ayrton Senna. I thought it would be a great idea to interview Ayrton and find out what he has been up to. You're probably thinking how can this happen - I can't speak a word of Spanish! Well you're right, luckily though my great mate and "contact to the dead" John Edwards can. I have sold this exclusive interview to Briz 31 but they have let me reprint an extract for you today.
Gladious: Hello John how are you?
John: <whispers> I see dead people.
Gladious: Do you hear dead people as well?
John: Yes.
(uncomfortable silence for 10 minutes) more...
Ralf gets p!ssed off in Jenson-Buttonville
By: Scotty Beveridge
Event: Malaysia
Date: 21 Mar 2004
Here we are in beautiful KL for the second round of the eff-one world championship. (We're no longer allowed to use Bernie's copyrighted abbreviation for formula one because he found out what Daryl called him in the last report) KL is in the home country of one Alex Yoong, arguably the best Malaysian driver ever to reach eff-one and the worst to progress past go-karts. This is also the home GP for Eyes of the Dragon, the team that so lovingly produces the driver reports. Eyes of the Dragon gave me a call to let me know his tip of the round the other day. It was a DNF for Panis and this was looking like it was on when Olivier slowed, then drove straight through the pits. When asked about it later Olivier said that Cristiano was going so slow that he thought it would be faster to drive through the pits. It was a good idea but unfortunately for Olivier it ended up being slower. More on the race later but first some more news on the eff-one circus; After the Australian GP a lot of eff-one drivers, teams and fans caned the new qualifying format, but the FIA has declared that it will stay for know. One punter caned the underSteer format too, voicing their disapproval of having the cut-off time at the start of Friday practice. I reckon this punter (Ferrari) is named after the wrong eff-one team. Whinging is expected by Ron Dennis, not Jean Todt. more...
Daryl gets a General Admission Ticket
By: Daryl Beattie
Event: Australia
Date: 16 Mar 2004
Me and Greg "Thruster" Rust arrived in Melbourne early Friday morning and I realised Thruster, the randy freak, booked us into the heart of the strip club district. After two and a half days we had 11 half price entry vouchers valid for the rest of the year. I think going to a Grand Prix you have to chuck yourself into the arts and culture of each country and what better place than the culture capital of Australia.
The racing is what we were here for and so Friday afternoon that's where we headed off to. Not knowing how to buy tickets on the tram's ticket machine we took as a sign of being for free and since we didn't get caught, it was. Anyhow we arrived at the gates of Albert Park with a 30 metre photo of Bernie and bold letters saying "Questions are pretentious". A nice touch I thought. We saw the last practice session on Friday and Ferrari were extremely strong but the junior team, Sauber, were looking very unbalanced compared to the other cars. more...
The Dossier
By: Gladious Fermingo
Event: Preview
Date: 26 Feb 2004
Welcome to underSteer 2004. If you know little about F1 don't be too discouraged. Our past two winners knew nothing about the sport.
It's been a busy off-season in the F1 paddock. The various teams have come up with all sorts of new technology in order to gain any advantage over their competitors. The same can be said with some underSteer teams with leaked phone bills from Sennamental Favourite and Dead Sennas showing the phone number of one Tonya Harding, called 30 times in the month of January! As I always say though, the harder you try, the more it hurts when you lose.
Back to the most important person here though – me. This off-season I nearly found myself lost in England with two friends. After driving for hours, we ended up at this big dirt speedway track. At the end of this track was a tin shed. We walked in to try and see if somebody could help us find our way to our destination but the shed was virtually empty apart from a desk with what looked like an old prop from the movie "Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" (you know the scene where the bloke from The Goodies says his gizmo can pin-point exactly where the last chocolate bar is that has the Golden Ticket to claim the tour in Willie's factory?)... Also in the shed was an old text book about tuning-up Ford engines with grease finger prints all over it. There was also a big picture of Andy Warhol with a carving knife sticking into it! We didn't know where we were! It wasn't until my old mate Paul Stoddart walked in I knew that we weren't lost, but we had somehow found our way to where we wanted to go – Minardi's F1 testing complex. more...