We all know what happened this year in the F1 circus but due to popular demand we have decided to do a review of the 2005 underSteer season. Since I won't be paid for this report it will be done in the spirit of the 80's and 90's American television sitcoms when the whole sitcom family would sit around the Christmas tree and reminisce with flash-backs about the year they all just had......

The first five rounds of the season were pretty hectic in underSteer. We had Buff My Helmet starting the year well but the overall top three for underSteer after Spain were Juan Globus Adolf WELTMEISTER!, Eyes of the Dragon, and Sennamental Favourite.

Some of the more memorable quotes from those first five rounds of underSteer were:  more...

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Gday, Gday all underSteerologists, Well I'm still stuck in a São Paulo jail because Daryl "the-no-pants-wearing-four-toed-freak" Beattie ratted me out after encouraging me to drop my pants in front of Cora Schumacher. And speaking of Euro-trash, we'll have a special guest to present the Awards show later... It will be none other than Adrianna, aka "Casey Stoner's relaxant", all the way from South Australia. But before the Awards show, I would like to clear up what happened with Daryl a couple of weeks ago. After Daryl sent Ralf comatose, I tried to talk to Cora about weather presenters then Daryl, being Daryl, started talking about all the technicalities of weather, clouds, fronts, and asked Cora what her favourite cloud type was. Cora, who was getting more and more freaked out with each multiple-syllable-word-mashed-into-one uttered by Daryl, seemed to be humouring him and said cirrus. From there I knew there was going to be trouble, if only she said cumulus like everyone else, or even nimbus, but why oh why did she say cirrus. You see Daryl has some weird theories on why people like cirrus clouds. He came up with this theory when he found out that "cirrus", translated from it's Latin root, means "curl of hair". I don't want to explain the whole theory behind it because it's too Daryl for me, but in the end he could only convince Cora by getting me to drop my pants. I did so, and next thing I know, I'm in chains... I'll never listen to Daryl again. So I hope that's cleared that up, but now I'll throw to Adrianna who is at the underSteer end of season party at underSteer HQ, so Adrianna, it's over to you...  more...

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The season started with an Australian GP specialist rising for a fall. After that, Buff my Helmet, the team that gets their name from Blokesworld had, and then lost the title when BAR started their three race ban. Two dictators would then go on to share the lead until the FIA/Teams political situation came to a head. TeamCamry then had their chop at the title but it has now come down to one team to lose it.  more...

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Hey, Gladious here folks. Okay, hands up any Brisbanites who got up at 3.00 Monday morning to watch the Brazilian GP. Great coverage on Channel Ten wasn't it? Keep your hands up though if you happened to flick it across to community television station Briz 31. Those of you that did would have seen the first (and probably last) appearance on live television of underSteer reporters Daryl Beattie, Scotty Beveridge and myself. It was a real classy 2 hours of community television. For those who didn't see it I was in the studio with a director who was also a Year 10 film and tv student (I just bossed him around for the night) while Daryl and Scotty were trackside at Interlagos. Below is a transcript of what transpired between the hours of 3.00am and 5.00am Monday, the 26th of September on Briz 31.  more...

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"Knock Knock"  more...

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So I'm walking down the road to the newsagent to check if the latest edition of Picture magazine has come out when I'm stopped in the street by a complete stranger.  more...

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Well here I am as a last minute inclusion for Daryl Beattie who came into trouble with the locals. Turkey being the gateway between the Middle East and Europe would obviously have both a Muslim influence as well as a Western influence and one of the customs of the Muslim religion is that women where the hijab and men where pants. It's a particular shame for Daryl as he was going to be taken on as Kimi's assistant but for all we know he's in a Midnight Express-like jail.  more...

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Hi all, this is Scotty. As you may remember from my last report, I met a fella on the streets of France named "Andy". What you didn't know is that it was very cold that day and Andy had to lend me a jacket. Weeks later I found an interesting note in one of the pockets of said jacket. I thought it might interest some underSteer punters, so here it is:  more...

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Here's the first report since France because my computer has been down and then I was sick. So the British GP had a miss just when EatMyShorts found the form of old with a dominant win and the highest score in the history of underSteer. The 143 point effort took the team from 25th to 12th while the second placed TeamCamry came right into contention by moving up to 2nd from 10th with 127 points. Big Red rounded out the podium. On the other hand To the Finnish came last at this round and has effectively taken out any chance of coming away with the title when they dropped seven places to 14th. Eyes of the Dragon thinks that To the Finnish should start resorting to the roll of a dice to take out his blind worship of Kimi and getting blind with Kimi is exactly what I did after the British GP.  more...

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My journey started in a dimly lit street just off the Champs-Elysées. A short man in dark glasses jumped out of a huge black van with two huge peep-holes on the side and handed me an envelope marked Privé et Confidentiel. He said to me in a deep raspy voice; "This is Andy. Scotty take this letter and read it to all underSteer punters, except kazonis. I don't trust him. He now likes the human perspiration machine more than me. And Mark Holden too, but you can tell him that he's up on a libel charge the next time he sets foot in England. I had nothing to do with Ronnie Biggs." I don't understand any of that but here is what the letter said:  more...

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It was the Wednesday before the USA F1 Grand Prix and I was busily packing my suitcase ready to head over to Indianapolis. I was due to meet up with fellow reporter Daryl Beattie as he was heading down to the US after reporting on the Canadian GP. We were going to celebrate Michael Jackson's recent big win in the courts with a trip to Neverland where we were going to party on with Jacko, Macaulay Culkin, Chris Tucker, Jay Leno et al.  more...

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Not long ago I received a video from Mcwillari via Formula Juan that covered the years of '70-73 in formula one. A period that would later be known as the Tim Schenkin dynasty.  more...

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Welcome to an exhibition that they call formula one reporting for underSteer, we are coming live from the European round of the championship. No jail strong enough to hold Joe the Hobo. It's been a long time between reports; I was locked up in a Belgium jail when my old mate Sules found me. So to get me out they had to pay a huge fee. So I have to say a big thanks to Gladious Fermingo for getting the money together at short notice to pay the bail. I got framed! Kimi Räikkönen said "he would have the coke for Europe" then it all went downhill from there.  more...

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What a weekend we've just had. I'm still feeling a bit dusty but I am sure I am not the only one. Sorry, for those who missed it I'm talking about our annual underSteer Monaco Grand Prix party.

It was a big weekend for most of us who arrived in Monaco on Friday morning. There's plenty to do in this beautiful place of the world. Some of us went horse riding on the Friday whilst others visited the local tourist attractions including the local Planet Hollywood. We had the big party on Saturday night as well. Our special guest for the party was Mark Webber's partner Anne. I'm sure I can speak on everybody's behalf to say what a lovely guest she was. Anyway, below are some pics of the weekend.  more...

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Hello and welcome to the fifth round of the 2005 Formula One World Championship in Barcelona, Spain.

In a special extended presentation, I'll be staking out the paddock bringing you interviews with all the big names, or at least those that bigname. For all you anoraks out there, I'll be giving you a detailed look at Red Bull's pride and joy, their new motorhome. The main event for everyone will be this afternoon's race where DNF - Dead Near Fence will be looking to climb the ladder after a dismal start to the season. I don't think anyone would have predicted that DNF would be behind teammate, Achtung Baby, at this stage of the season. Still it's a long season and team owner, AB, has recently been out testing hard but it didn't go so smoothly. Here's the press release about the first test day.  more...

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With the verdict coming through on the BAR exclusion, the San Marino results have been updated. The new round winner is Formula Juan and second place is shared between Juan Globus Adolf WELTMEISTER! and kazonis. Just like Jenson, Penex Racing, Mark Holden and Sennamental Favourite have run away with the trophies so the two Juans and kazonis have been left in the lurch just like Wurz.  more...

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Well first of all I have to point out Daryl's lies about his innocence in seeing An American in Paris Hilton. I'm the one that was shocked at what Daryl was doing. (everybody knows that the elderly inhabit the daytime sessions at arthouse cinemas like a cancer) Daryl was committing sins that the church had never even heard of. I also saw Irreversible and I think I saw the teams that were at the Melbourne Grand Prix as extras in the gay club scene when a man has his skull crushed by repeated blows to the head with a fire extinguisher. After that happens they say "this place is full of batty men, lets go".  more...

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Like. My body?

LIKE MY BODY!?

Sorry, I've just finished watching a soft-core porno on SBS. This no grid girls situation at Bahrain must be addressed for next year!  more...

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Welcome to the second round of the underSteer World Championship here in Malaysia. It's as hot here as Kimi will get down in Johor Bahru, I assure you. The latest news on the underSteer circus is that the 50th punter has joined, welcome Cool Bananas. Also, Daryl left out one picture from his Melbourne report, so I've added it below. In the F1 news this week we've found out that Bahrain will be using an autograph session, photo session, laser show with fireworks and rides in a tethered hot air balloon to help promote their race. It remains to be seen if it will be as popular as grid girls, and spraying champagne on the podium.  more...

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The five underSteer teams headed out on the Friday night in the hope of settling the Minardi dispute or that was my impression anyway. Waiting for the tram a fella, who looked familiar, came up to us who must of got into the spirit of the formula one and got on the coke. His first words to us were a rap about his penis I think. With Mark Holden being one of the teams on hand a vote was cast between ourselves, I liked his in-your-face attitude, and Mark said "you're going to Sydney". He didn't want to go just to Sydney though. His plan was to master space travel and out of Sennamental Favourite, jail Grog, Mark Holden, Juan Globus Adolf WELTMEISTER! and The Doctor the team he chose to be his Spock was Mark Holden. When he asked that team I knew he had to be on drugs. The team that last year couldn't beat Deep Blue's inbred cousin, Eyes of the Dragon, gets the nod ahead of past champions Juan Globus Adolf WELTMEISTER! and Sennamental Favourite. But his standards of excellence are higher than Ferrari's with him asking Mark Holden to come back in one night with uranium, plutonium and cardboard to build the space ship. I'm no rocket scientist like Mark Holden now is but it didn't sound like it was going to work to me but the fella with the familiar face assured us that he had watched Homer Simpson at work and so he knows all about nuclear science.  more...

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Well back to work for me. I'm just on the plane as I start this with the teams Juan Globus Adolf WELTMEISTER!, Sennamental Favourite, Mark Holden, jail Grog, and The Doctor. As I look at Barry Berrigan's wide open mouth it brings back memories of my time off. Having all this spare time I decided to catch a few movies. Being more of a fan of the old musicals than of the Phantom of the Opera I thought I would watch Gene Kelly's manic smile in an An American in Paris. I thought it was odd to see so many men in trenchcoats at a Gene Kelly movie. I thought it was odd to hear rustling of their clothes with some of them saying "Fire up b###h". At this point I had to turn around and say "he's not a b###h, he's a man that tells his story through dance." Then someone said "he's not doing much dancing he's just lying back taking it sweet." Gene Kelly wouldn't be so vulgar I said. Then I heard "f##k your phone" and Chris Rock doing stand-up. Gene Kelly was starting to look like one filthy man. Then someone told me that this is An American in Paris Hlton. I had to turn around and ask if Gene Kelly does an extended dance sequence at the end of this movie anyway. At that point I wish I hadn't sat in front of them.  more...

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Hello and welcome everybody to underSteer 2005. For those new to underSteer, my name is Gladious Fermingo. I get paid by underSteer management to travel the Formula One circuit throughout the year and report on how everybody is going in the race to win underSteer. Now, if you actually believe that, keep reading. (ED NOTE: The following report is classified PG 15. It contains mild nudity)  more...