The Pilot

Hey, Gladious here folks. Okay, hands up any Brisbanites who got up at 3.00 Monday morning to watch the Brazilian GP. Great coverage on Channel Ten wasn't it? Keep your hands up though if you happened to flick it across to community television station Briz 31. Those of you that did would have seen the first (and probably last) appearance on live television of underSteer reporters Daryl Beattie, Scotty Beveridge and myself. It was a real classy 2 hours of community television. For those who didn't see it I was in the studio with a director who was also a Year 10 film and tv student (I just bossed him around for the night) while Daryl and Scotty were trackside at Interlagos. Below is a transcript of what transpired between the hours of 3.00am and 5.00am Monday, the 26th of September on Briz 31.

Gladious: Testing. Testing 1,2,3.
Gladious to director: What's f##kin' wrong with this autocue?

Director: um, you are live on air Gladious.

<dead air for between 30 to 50 seconds>

Gladious: Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to the first ever underSteer presentation of a Formula 1 race. My name is Gladious Fermingo and I have a big d##k. (pause for more impact) But all you ladies already knew that hey!

<canned laughter>

Gladious: Yes, tonight I am in the studio while my fellow underSteer reporters Scotty Beverdige and Daryl Beattie are trackside at Interlagos. Together, we will give you the latest news as it comes to hand on the race in Brazil, any off-track shenanigans, and of course the underSteer ramifications after the race is run.

Director to Gladious: stretch Gladious... we're having satellite issues and the autocue has froze.

Gladious: Um, hasn't it been a big year in F1. Of course it looks like Alonso is going to win the world drivers title and arhh, yeah, just ahead of his team mate Fisichella. What a great moment that will be for F1 in Spain. Um, yeah, of course other sports like motogp, and football are huge in Spain. Yeah, I mean Real Madrid, it just doesn't get any bigger than that club, um, hey. I'm sure all the Real Madrid players love their F1 and really get into it as much as the motogp, and, um, gosh hasn't Loris Capirossi been killing them lately at Malaysia, um, yeah... speaking of Malaysia how about those Cowboys yesterday... and... um

Director to Gladious: Satellites established... you can cross now.

Gladious: Okay, anyway, enough of me rabbiting on, I'll hand it over to Daryl Beattie who is trackside at Interlagos. Daryl.

Daryl: ...but a clouds brightness is due to four main factors. Thickness, Size of the water droplets inside the cloud, amount of water and the amount of light that falls upon said cloud. I'm on? Thanks Gladius, I thought I was gonna get f##kin' drenched but the weather hasn't come. I've been very busy this weekend. After getting Nick Heidfeld (yes I found him) and Takuma Sato to re-enact the Pontius Pilate and Biggus Dickus scene from Life of Brian I caught up with Juan Globus Adolf WELTMEISTER! to ask him how a team should tip when it comes to winning the championship at the end of the season. As this team was a part of the Dead Sennas team, they tell me to get as many sixers as possible, don't do anything stupid. Just let Juan for the Road be stupid and come last. So cue Eyes of the Dragon. Now over to that Metrosexual scum Scotty Beveridge. Why do I have to be here with him, I call him Metrosexual scum and he asks if that comes in a moisturiser. What? jail Grog got a root with the Jail Warden. So he came out of solitary straight into doing hard time.

Scotty: Thanks Daryl, you're just jealous because you only know about weather, but I know about weather PRE-SENT-ORS. I'm in the paddock, trying to have a chat with Cora Schumacher, but I can't find her anywhere. The best I can find is TeamCamry. So here's 97.3 seconds with TeamCamry:

Scotty: TeamCamry, What is the meaning of your team name?
TeamCamry: Attempt at irony I suppose. I have a habit of creating handles that come from things around me. I was "St Leonards" the last 2 seasons because that was the street I lived on. Don't ask me what car I own at the moment.

Scotty: Baumgartner is your Favourite F1 Personality. Why?
TeamCamry: I fancy him driving a Camry.

Scotty: Favourite Movie?
TeamCamry: I don't have a favourite movie as such, but a couple of movies I have found particularly amusing are Dead Man (not "Dead Man Walking") and Dr Strangelove.
Daryl: I found Dead Man Walking 'musing.

Scotty: Highlight of the year?
TeamCamry: Leading at underSteer a few weeks back.

Scotty: Lowlight of the year?
TeamCamry: Eyes of the Dragon jagging that M Schumacher DNF in Turkey.
Scotty (I didn't have the heart to tell him that Eyes of the Dragon did the same in Belgium too)

Scotty: What is your typical preparation before entering picks?
TeamCamry: I won't reveal the secrets of my preparation, however I do make a point of submitting the picks on time. I also find it useful to review the Score Breakdown and Driver Breakdown stats from the underSteer website.
Daryl: He means porno!

Scotty: Favourite weather presenter?
TeamCamry: I don't know the names of any. I like the radars on www.bom.gov.au
Daryl: The Russian ones that take their clothes off.

Scotty: Which pairing/group would you prefer to be locked in The Big Brother house with, and why?

1. Kimi Raikkonen & Paris Hilton
2. Michael Schumacher & Takuma Sato
3. Max Mosley & Paul Stoddart
4. Scott Beveridge, Brad McEwan & Georgina Lewis
5. other...

Scotty: What would you do if you weren't an underSteer punter?
TeamCamry: Pass the days in my idle ways.

Scotty: Complete this sentence: "The 2005 underSteer champion will be ..."
TeamCamry: ........ one of the current top 3.

Scotty: So there you have it Gladious. That's about all I have for now, but I would like to update you with a few bits and pieces. I hear there's a contest to work out the origin of jail Grog's name. So, I would like to put forward my own theory on the origin of jail Warden's, whoops, I mean jail Grog's name. I think that it's his subconscious telling him that it feels entrapped by his rampant alcoholism. Either that or he likes grog and a good ole' rendezvous with jail wardens at the leagues-y.... One of the two. Oh and on the subject of rendezvous, I have it on good authority that should Sennamental Favourite win underSteer this year, he is going to throw a huge party, big enough to rival a Red Bull event. Word is that it'll be at The Cacko straight after The Chinese GP. Do you reckon you'll score an invite to that, Gladious? It could be interesting. Gladious.

Gladious: Hahahaha Hahahahahaha, I don't know about scoring an invite to the Cacko Scotty but as long as I SCORE something I'll be happy. (pause for impact) If you know what I mean. (Gladious winked at the camera)

<canned laughter>

Gladious: So Scotty, are you trying to tell us jail Grog has a fetish for women in authority because I mean really who doesn't. Hahaha Hahahaha. I always thought that we nick-named jail Grog "vinegar tits" because of that time before Mardi Gras 2002 when he shaved his chest hair and we switched his Old Spice aftershave bottle with a bottle of white vinegar.

<canned laughter>

Daryl: My theory. jail Grog is a sex addict.

<dead air for between 30 to 50 seconds>

Gladious: Moving right along... um, Scotty, we've been inundated with requests about the Minardi and Jordan shirts which are being handed out at the end of the underSteer season. Can you give us a hint as to who is still in contention for these prized pieces of memorabilia. Scotty.

<dead air for between 30 to 50 seconds>

Director to Gladious: stretch Gladious... we're having satellite issues again.

Gladious: Oh, seems we're having a few techincal difficulties at the moment. Um, so, just a reminder that my name is Gladious Fermingo, and arghh, I tell you what, that bloke on Australian Idol with dreadlocks is going to go a long way in that competetion. Did anybody watch it last night? Apparently he used to be 200kg or something and arghhh

Director to Gladious: satellites back up again.

GladiousScotty, I hope you can hear me, just before the satellite went down I was asking you about the Jordan and Minardi shirts. Can you let us know who is still in contention. Scotty.

Scotty: Yes thanks Gladious. 200kg you say, well that really gives him "character". I always though the idiot who is always brooding like he's a real muso was gonna win it, but anyway, the shirts... Yes, it's a tight battle for the underSteer shirts. And you know, these are bound to become collectors items, especially the Minardi shirt, and that's not just me saying that. I was speaking to my protégé, Andy Muirhead, the other day and he was saying that Gordon reckons that if you get two Minardi freaks (...eg/ someone who would stand out in the rain for hours waiting for Channoch to turn up to the autograph tent... hmm, who would do that...) in a bidding war at auction, it will go for ANYTHING... maybe even 5K. So here are the punters with a good chance of raking in the dough:

Minardi Shirt

1. The Crafty Butcher 113
2. Badbull Racing 110
3. Mark Holden 107
4. Gert 106
5. devo 100

Jordan Shirt

1. Circumferential Groove 139
2. Formula Juan 130
3. Sennamental Favourite 121
4. Chuckie's Team 120
5. Penex Racing 118

Scotty: So there you have it, the fight for the prized Minardi shirt is still well and truly open, and with Karthikeyan as the bonus driver in China, the race for the Jordan shirt is also pretty open. For now it's back to you in the studio, Gladious.

Gladious: Hahahahaha, hahahahaha. Yes thanks Scotty. Well we've now been on air for close on two hours and we still haven't checked the F1 race that is happening in Brazil. I guess if you really want to see who is winning you should just put it on Channel 10. Hahahaha hahahaha.

<dead air for between 30 to 50 seconds>

Gladious: Um, moving right along I've just been handed the latest underSteer results and it seems Chuckie's Team has won this round of underSteer with Penex Racing finishing second and hahahaha hahahaha, this has got to be a joke right?

<Director whispers something inaudible to Gladious ... ... ...>

<dead air for between 30 to 50 seconds>

Sheepish Gladious: Well it seems Formula Juan has picked up equal third spot for this race with Sennamental Favourite. Well done Formula Juan. How do you think the new A1 GP series will go? (pause for more impact) About as well as your underSteer career I reckon.

<canned laughter>

Gladious: On to the overall underSteer ladder we now have TeamCamry just one point off the lead and with only two races to go he is now red hot favourite especially now that Eyes of the Dragon has been tampered with. Apparently though that was an "inside job". In third spot we have Sennamental Favourite and he now appears to be the only team who can beat TeamCamry. This week Sennamental Favourite gloated that, and this is a direct quote: "I know which track Suzuka is like... I'll let you know too, in about 10 days time....". Brave words from Sennamental Favourite, but I'm sure he knows what he is doing. Well that's it from me. I'll now hand it to Daryl and Scotty to leave us with their last words from the track. Daryl. Scotty.

Daryl: F##kin' awesome.
Scotty: Ahhh, sorry about those adjectives from Daryl but when you're on live televsion these things happen. Yeah thanks, Gladious. Well what a round... Hang On, Hang On... here comes Ralf and Cora... ok Daryl, here's what we'll do... You ask Ralf what he thinks of The Brickyard, and when he goes into the foetal position I'll be able to....

<Satellite cuts out>