Rise Against the Machine: An underSteer Review for 2005
We all know what happened this year in the F1 circus but due to popular demand we have decided to do a review of the 2005 underSteer season. Since I won't be paid for this report it will be done in the spirit of the 80's and 90's American television sitcoms when the whole sitcom family would sit around the Christmas tree and reminisce with flash-backs about the year they all just had......
The first five rounds of the season were pretty hectic in underSteer. We had Buff My Helmet starting the year well but the overall top three for underSteer after Spain were Juan Globus Adolf WELTMEISTER!, Eyes of the Dragon, and Sennamental Favourite.
Some of the more memorable quotes from those first five rounds of underSteer were:
Daryl Beattie's thoughts on a street kid he met in Melbourne. It turned out the drug fried brain of the street kid was actually spot on the money about who would be chief for this year:
"... the team he (the street kid) chose to be his Spock was Mark Holden. When he (the street kid) asked that team I knew he had to be on drugs. The team that last year couldn't beat Deep Blue's inbred cousin, Eyes of the Dragon, gets the nod ahead of past champions Juan Globus Adolf WELTMEISTER! and Sennamental Favourite."
Here we have Scotty Beveridge in Malaysia handing out some advice:
"...But it's a long season and those experienced at the underSteer game know not to take the lead too early. Just ask Big Red, Honey, I Shrunk The Kids (now: Mark Holden), or Juan for the Road."
Scotty was at it again in Malaysia questioning how far up the ladder Juan Globus Adolf WELTMEISTER! would finish:
"I think the chances of Juan Globus Adolf WELTMEISTER! (9th at the time) moving much further up the ladder are about as good as Channel Ten Brisbane's summer weather presenter Chloe Baker usurping Georgie as my favourite weather presenter."
This time at San Marino we had Richie Benaud questioning how high Eyes of the Dragon would finish on the ladder:
"...I'm willing to bet all of the memorabilia Tony Greig hasn't yet flogged that Eyes of the Dragon will be out of the top 15 by the time you see Richie Benaud's name to a report later in the season."
Scotty on Mark Holden at Spain:
"...(The pole sitter at Barcelona has gone on to win the championship every year except 1991). Unfortunately for Mark Holden and Honda...Hooah!, the same can not be said for the underSteer pole sitter at Barcelona."
More from Scotty at Spain:
"...Elsewhere, we've had Mark Holden using the Capies (circa 2004) strategy of having all drivers finishing the race, then having the nerve of sending emails to underSteer HQ complaining about the points system. Word of advice Mark, get off the Capies strategy, or you won't be 'Going to Sydney'..."
The next 5 rounds of the year were highlighted by the farcical Indy race which only had 6 starters. In underSteer news we saw Eyes of the Dragon and Juan Globus continue to sit on the podium and they were joined momentarily by Formula Juan. We all knew Formula Juan wouldn't stay there for long though.
Some of the more memorable quotes from the next five rounds of underSteer were:
Daryl Beattie relaying some information he heard from Sennamental Favourite at Canada:
"Sennamental Favourite has been reported as saying that he feels the overall honours are between the top six placed teams and the 8th placed kazonis. Discounting Mark Holden who looked distinctly like Alex Yoong here this weekend."
Then in the USA Gladious decided to apply a little "heat" to Juan Globus to see how he handled the pressure of being a front runner two years in a row. He never led another round after that so as expected, he buckled:
"Juan Globus Adolf WELTMEISTER! is still on top of the overall ladder and he looks like he is setting himself for a long stay there."
The next 5 races continued to see Sennamental Favourite and Eyes of the Dragon in the top 3 but they were joined and actually headed by TeamCamry. Ominously, Mark Holden had cruised into 4th spot.
Some of the more memorable quotes from the next five rounds of underSteer were:
Daryl Beattie trying to read Mark Holden's mental state at Great Britain:
"Also on the podium for the first time this year and moving up to third is Mark Holden who is trying to avenge his 32nd place he lost to Eyes of the Dragon last year or possibly for choking when he had the title in 2003. He's got a lot of avenging to do."
At Hungary we saw Scotty Beveridge starting his mental disintegration on jail Grog. This one worked a treat:
"Also on the podium was the top two ranked rookies jail Grog and kazonis. Both punters have scored three podium finishes this year, and this podium for jail Grog has seen him rocket from 7th overall to 3rd to become a genuine threat to take the underSteer title."
At Turkey we had Daryl having a premonition about Eyes of the Dragon's chances of winning the title:
"... Eyes of the Dragon is leading but you just feel like they could chuck it down the road at any race."
So with the final four rounds we had a top three of TeamCamry, Eyes of the Dragon and Sennamental Favourite. Mark Holden was still smoking his pipe in fourth spot.
The final four rounds of the year generally are a real dog fight and this year wasn't any different. Teams (and reporters) will do and say anything to get an edge over their rivals.
Here we have Gladious lying through his arse:
"kazonis is an interesting team whom I'm expecting very big things from in the next three races. In fact if kazonis keeps on taking points away from the current top three like he has recently he probably will take out this year's title..."
Away from F1, we had Gert making a "Gert" of himself with his thoughts on Australian cricket:
"the decline and fall of Ozzie cricket - the shame - the humiliation - tssk tssk tssk..."
Here is Daryl getting very personal talking about jail Grog's sex life. (this wins my award for quote of the year):
"...jail Grog got a root with the Jail Warden. So he came out of solitary straight into doing hard time..."
And Gladious appying the screws again:
"...On to the overall underSteer ladder we now have TeamCamry just one point off the lead and with only two races to go he is now red hot favourite..."
And finally we had Daryl getting it horribly wrong.
"... Mark Holden has done a Lazarus and given himself a chance of winning the title after his first win since Indy 2002. Like Richie Benaud said though, this team doesn't know how to win and will be suffering mental scars from last year when Eyes of the Dragon beat them into 31st at the last race of the year..."
So there we have it folks. The final podium went this way:
Records for this year:
New lowest score - Sennamental Favourite at Indy - 17 points
New high score - EatMyShorts at Silverstone - 143 points
And finally, the underSteer team of 2005
Albers - Mark Holden, 69 points
Alonso - Mcwilllari, 186 points
Barrichello - MagnaDoodle, 89 points
Button - Mark Holden, 130 points
Coulthard - Boom Boom, 81 points
Doornbos - Achtung Baby, 34 points
Fisichella - Buff my Helmet, 130 points
Friesacher - Chewythewookie, 51 points
Heidfeld - The Doctor, 62 points
Karthikeyan - Sennamental Favourite, 81 points
Klien - Chuckie's Team, 59 points
Massa - race 2 the BAR, 86 points
Monteiro - Penex Racing, 85 points
Montoya - jail Grog, 108 points
Räikkönen - Buff my Helmet, 163 points
Sato - Eyes of the Dragon, 66 points
Schumacher M - The Schuminator, 95 points
Schumacher R - Cool Bananas, 108 points
Trulli - The Crafty Butcher, 108 points
Villeneuve - The Doctor, 85 points
Webber - race 2 the BAR, 105 points
Well that's it for this year. I'm hearing there are big things planned for underSteer in 2006. Stay tuned for more and have a great break.