Frankly, the Best Season Ever

Welcome all to the start of the blue riband event for underSteer – Formula One. For any Vee 888888 fans who have awoken from their wet dream to think Garth Tander or Will Davison are driving for HRT at Bahrain, please don’t embarrass yourself anymore and kindly move along to the fenced off V8 category Boss Hogg put up for you a few years ago. It's easier to fumigate at years end if you're all together.

Usually these opening reports are quite a choir as you have to talk up a season no matter what. The phrase, polish a turd comes to mind this time last year. This year though, oh baby, what a season we have in stall. Four, that’s right 4 World Champions battling it out in what looks like very competitive cars. Add to this the return of statistically the best driver ever, Pedro de, err I mean Michael Schumacher. Yes the great Schumi is making a comeback in the Mercedes this year and to say it will be interesting is a major understatement. What about some of the mini battles this year; Lewis v Alonso. Alonso v Schumi. Nico v Schumi. Hamilton v Schumi. Vettel v Schumi. Schumi v everybody. Vettel v Webber. Massa v Alonso. Button v Hamilton... and Germany Vs England aka McLaren v Mercedes in team wars. This season has all the ingredients to be an absolute cracker and what fun we all shall have this year on underSteer. We have Kyle & Jackie O trying to do what no person as ever done in any category – go back-to-back-to-back. What a fantastic achievement that will be when it, err if it was to happen.

Usually in the preview I give my opinions on every punter and I will do the same this year, but first I will look at everybody’s tips and decipher who is good, and who is not. Expect these predictions before the Melbourne race. Just a quick hello though to our new Finish/ Swedish (same diff isn’t it?) punters… Aunty Gladious has noticed you.

Here is my exclusive predictions on how each team currently sits.

Ferrari:

They have been preparing this 2010 spec car since mid last year and after testing, they look very racy. Alonso, whose record is there for everybody to marvel, comes in to partner one time sparring mate Felipe Massa. Massa, whose face now looks like a Rugby League forward who has just been 'pancaked' up before going on The Footy Show will want to claim a World Championship after being so close in 2008 (thanks Timo). He will need to do better at all tracks though and not just rely on his favourites; Turkey and Brazil. The team to beat.


Force India:

Look quick in testing but may struggle in race trim now they have lost the setting up experience of Fisi from last year. This could be both drivers last year in Formula One unless they show something.

HRT:

Apparently in Europe, HRT means Hormone Replacement Therapy. In Australia, it means one thing - BROCKY!! HRT have done no testing and are making up the numbers. The only point of interest will be if Bruno Senna is crap, or really really crap. They also have an Indian driver, Karun Chandhok. Hopefully he drives better than some of the Indian cab drivers I have had over the years.

Lotus:

Headed by Alex Yoong… well not really, but to me Yoongy is the figurehead. They will be slow but with Mike Gascoyne in charge and drivers like Jarno Trulli and Heikki Kovalainen, they will only be aiming to achieve good reliability. But back to Yoongy… I am friends with him on Facebook and the following transcript is from his page when Yoongy Tweeted about testing in Barcelona. Take it away, Yoongy!

AY: Its so weird being back at Barcelona after such a long time. Last time i was here, was in 2002 where Mark and i both had wing failures.

Ex Yoongy mechanic: i had to fix it after you smashed it up!. I remember you coming out the last turn and me hanging the pit board out and seeing the wing come off!

AY: Yes Forest, it was your bit that broke wasn't it?

Ex Yoongy mechanic: i put it on but what you did with it was not down to me!

Mclaren:

Currently in the top 4 quickest and they have two world champions in the team now. Button will no doubt struggle against Hamilton but there is no shame in that.


Mercedes:

With Michael Schumacher and Ross Brawn, they have the best partnership in F1. They may take a few races to start winning… or maybe Ross Brawn will pluck a special diffuser out of his arse for Bahrain and they could be 1,2? I expect Nico Rosberg to finish ahead of Schumi for most of this year. Name me one sportsman who retired and came back better?

Red Bull:

Along with Ferrari, Red Bull looks the team to beat. Super quick in testing but maybe they have a few reliability issues (sounds familiar to last year). It is a matter of when, not if Seb Vettel will win a championship but hopefully Mark Webber gives him a run for his money, like last year.

Renault:

A pale imitation of Fernando Alonso’s championship winning cars of 2005 and 2006, Renault has been sold and so has their speed. They have Robert Kubica who must regret signing up to Renault when he did last year, and also some Russian with plenty of money called Vitaly Petrov. Mid field.

Sauber:

BMW Sauber powered by Ferrari. A bit like Force India with plenty of speed, but unlike FI they have a journey man to help set the car up for GP races; Pedro de la Rossi. Pedro has dialled in more cars than what Sennamental Favourite has dialled numbers when he's pissed. They also have Japanese driver Kamui Kobayashi who looked quick, but irrational in his two races last year. Sounds like another Japanese driver – Takumo Sato.

Toro Rosso:

They have had to leave the bosom of Red Bull this year, but it still looks very Red Bullish too me. Buemi looks alright but Alguersuari drives a little erratically. This team have racked up the miles in testing.

Virgin:

This team has been 100% created by computer software and hasn’t seen a wind tunnel. The same thing was attempted a few years ago in understeer, a team called Eyes of the Dragon, and it nearly won the 2005 underSteer F1 championship. We won’t be saying the same thing of Virgin. Of the drivers rookie di Grassi aka junior high looks out of his depth whilst Timo Glock usually goes all right with a heavy fuel load so he could surprise this year if they can get some reliability in the car. That Richard Branson is already shitting me to tears as well.

Williams:

Good old professional Williams. Always running with heavy fuel loads in testing etc. They have Niko Hulkenberg this year which should be a real test for Rubens. In fact really, Niko should be winning that “battle”. Williams look like they will be duking it out with Force India and Sauber for the ‘best of the rest’ tag.

Rules changes for this year include no pit stops for refueling so every car needs to start the race with a huge amount of fuel. This is expected to efefct tyre wear greatly and it is how a car copes with tyres that will once again sort the challengers from the pretenders. Thankfully unlike last year, that is the only major rule change.

Well that’s about it folks. This shapes up to be the best year on record both on track, and off track with plenty of people (I bet) gunning to be champion. May the best man win, bitches!!!!!!

Stop Press:

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Current records and champions:

Kyle & Jackie O – F1 05, 08, 09. MotoGP 08, 09. V8 07, 09. WRC 08
MEOW – F1 04, 06. MotoGP 06, 07. V8 06, 08
Sennamental Favourite – F1 03, 07. WRC 06, 07
Eatmyshorts – F1 02
Team K – WRC 09

Current GOAT (as voted by me)

F1 – Kyle & Jackie O
MotoGP – Kyle & Jackie O
V8 – Kyle & Jackie O
WRC – Sennamental Favourite